(Good is eating chocolates on the couch in the living room. Wicked's on the floor, surrounded by candy boxes. She takes a bite out of each chocolate, spitting the ones she doesn't like back out into the wrappers. Evil's at the other end of the couch, surrounded by magazines, with her laptop open)

Evil: But fires are romantic!

Good: No. You may not.

Evil: Fine. But you're ruining my Valentine's Day.

Good: (typing on her laptop on the couch) Good.

Evil: All that chocolate isn't going to help your waistline, you know.

Good: I don't care. I'm supporting the economy.

Wicked: You're supporting the vile culture of consumerism. (she pauses) Good job! (she holds up the half-empty box and shakes it) And who the hell puts coconut in chocolates? Is this some kind of dirty trick or something? (She pauses again.) Actually, that's a pretty good trick. (She gets up to go for more chocolates. Evil flips through catalogues.)

Evil: What about this? (She shows a page to Good.)

Good: (shaking her head.) No way. You can't give her a ham for Valentine's Day. It's just not done.

Evil: I don't care. It fits how I feel about the day.

Good: What?

Evil: Well, it's dead, and it's a pig, and-

Good: No. Just... no! All right? (Evil sighs)

Evil: So you're going to eat yourself into a coma just to stimulate the economy? (She reaches for the box.)

Good: Get your hands off my stimulus package!

Evil: Oh-hoh, so you're a Keynesian, are you? Boy, THAT explains a lot!

Wicked: (seizing the box) I'm a market correction!!!

Good: You're a wretched Hayekian thief! You go save your OWN pennies! These overvalued goods are MINE!!!

Wicked: Screw your stupid Valentines!

Evil: Oh, I fully intend- (Good throws a catalogue at her. Evil turns to her and shrugs ) You're just jealous because you're alone again.

Good: No, I'm not.

Evil: Oh, right, you've got five extra pounds there just waiting to keep you company.

Good: I'm not alone. I have all of humanity to love and care for.

Evil: Which you'll do. By yourself. Sitting on the couch in your ugly flannel pajamas and eating chocolates while you watch Twelfth Night for the eighty-fourth time.

Good: No blind dates. We've done that, okay?

Wicked: I don't have any to offer this year. Evil took them for her research.

Good: Again? (Evil looks at the ceiling.)

Wicked: I'm telling you, come out and save people from Valentine's Day.

Good: My heart's just not in it.

Wicked: That's okay. We get other people's. (Evil's face brightens) Not literally! (Evil pouts.)

Good: I'm not "alone." Lots of people don't celebrate this stupid holiday!

Wicked: (picking up a heavy volume) Are we playing dictionary?

Good: That's Antwerp's Guide to Forensic Anthropology, I don't think it will help much.

Wicked: (Quickly checking the title) Anthropology is the art of standing outside, alone, looking in...

Evil: (Handing Wicked a catalogue, which she promptly drops on the floor) We're playing, "What should Evil give her Valentine?"

Wicked: What did you give last year?

Evil: This is the new one.

Good: (innocently) Did they ever find the old one?

Evil: (Darting a severe glance at Good) Not if you know what's good for you.

Good: Hmph. First year, give her a ten hour head start.

Evil: Oh, come on. I'm keeping this one. I like her. She keeps axes in the anger closet.

Good: She has an "anger closet?"

Evil: Yes.

Wicked: (eagerly) Do we have an anger closet?

Good: Yes, and I think you're it.

Evil: I can do better than flowers and candy.

Wicked: (sitting down in a chair, trying to throw chocolates into her own mouth) You could, if they hadn't confiscated your centrifuge, you mean.

Evil: This is why we can't have nice things.

Good: International incidents are why we can't have nice things. (turning to Wicked, who misses her mouth and ignored the chocolate that just landed in the lamp) What are YOU doing this year?

Wicked: (picking up the empty box and throwing it at Evil's head) Kthunk!

Evil: Are you still mugging people for candy every year?

Wicked: (nodding) Like clockwork!

Good: What the hell kind of clockwork does that?

Evil: The Orange kind?

Good: Hmph. Maybe I'll join you. It's exercise, right?

Evil: (still flipping catalogue pages) What if I gave her jewellery?

Good: I'd have to steal it back for the authorities.

Evil: But she'd be happy for a little while.

Good: That's not nice.

Evil: Hmph.

Wicked: You should join me, it's better than eating candy and pretending you have work to do.

Good: I DO have work to do:

Wicked: Yes, but for Valentine's day, you're going to not do it. You're going to complain and fuss, and watch movies and cry a lot.

Good: Do we get to save them from candy?

Evil: If you take it, they have to buy more.

Good: (to Evil) I'm not supposed to listen to you.

Evil: Hey, I didn't write the rules. If you're going to take on silly rules about the way money works in aggregate, you're the one who has to follow them. All I do is take parts or your aggregate away on an ongoing basis.

Good: (to Wicked) She's right about the economy part...

Wicked: (sighing) No, she isn't, but if it gets you off the couch, I'll take it. (she grabs the candy box.) And that!! (She runs from the room, giggling. Good and Evil look at each other, and then run after her.)

Once again, we'd like to wish you a happy Kthunk day, and remind you to leave out candy for the bad pixies you know.

Roses are trampled, violets are dead... that bulletproof jacket won't cover your head!

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